The Love of My Life

January 18, 2010: It's our ONE YEAR!!  What an amazing year it's been, doing so many things together and learning about each other.  And we've only just begun!

I met someone who blows my mind.  Someone who loves industrial and electronic music as much as I do.  Someone who loves to create incredible culinary creations with me.  The intensity of our time together is more amazing each time.  Our intimacy is indescribably powerful.  We even share the same letters in our initials.  The level of experimentalism never ceases to amaze me.  We can go on totally random outings and have a 'blastyball'.  Doing the most mundane things together is exciting like never before.

It all happened totally by surprise.  Neither of us realized what would become of a casual scenario...but it happened the first day we met.  Powerful emotions, an intimate awakening.  Everything we've both ever wanted is happening naturally.  We enable each other to discover new things about ourselves, that we never knew we had in us.

Notes and letters she has written for me - chronological:

Hello, my baby =) I have to say I'm sorry for the disorganization of what you're about to read. My mind is so full of thought and my heart so full of emotion that I know it's going to be a struggle to make sense of it all. So I ask you to forgive me for the chaos to follow and for anything that you may have heard me say before.

I have no idea where to begin with all of this. I have a choice here....I could just randomly throw out thoughts or I could try to collect them and have this all make sense. I don't know how I'm going to achieve the latter to be honest with you. I suppose there's going to be a little of both.

I knew from very very early on that these feelings were here for you. I knew before I actually met you that you were definitely someone that I wanted to know more deeply. It scared the hell out of me because I thought for sure I was going to be alone in this. There was no way, I thought, that you could possibly see something in me that would cause you to want me in your life for anything more than casual encounters. The day we met was the day it began. How on earth was it so easy...so natural...to be with you. I couldn't make sense of it all. I actually feared losing you that first weekend even though my feelings for you hadn't developed completely. It's like my heart knew before I did.

There were times before you shared you're feelings with me...up to two days before that....that I actually thought that I may simply have to end what was going on because I had no idea that you felt the same. Again, I couldn't fathom that you'd ever really like me let alone actually love me. I didn't know how I could possibly carry on falling in love with you with that prospect of you not ever feeling the same. Yet, at the same time, I didn't know how I could possibly carry on falling in love with you and lose what I had with you. That's why I decided to stick it out because I wanted you in my life. I had to give this a chance. My heart's patience won out because not a couple of days later you opened your heart to me and shared the strength of your feelings to me. It took just that to open the flood gates of our emotions for each other. Since then, my heart's been free to feel completely what seems to have been locked up for an eternity. Because of that, I am at every second of my days, filled with an indescribable love.

I have prayed for as long as I can remember for someone to come into my life who loves me for who I truly am even if I didn't know who I was yet. Little did I know that that someone would be discovering me at the same time I was discovering me. The me made for him...the me that was made for you.

When I get a text alert from you...it's like you're knocking on my hearts door to say hello. Sometimes I don't want to read them right away because once I read it I don't have anything waiting for me from you. Once I read the text then all I have left is the longing for the next one. Knowing that you're thinking of me gives me more joy than anything I've known. Your love for me makes me feel spectacular. Your heart is so tender, kind and beautiful that I can honestly say it's an honor and a privilege for you to be sharing it with me.

In your text to me tonight, you said that you want us together always. Well, Cevyn...I want the same. I want our love for always. I've been feeling for quite some time now that this is forever for me. My fingers are crossed that that doesn't overwhelm you because I know that even with what you say you feel for me that this is all new. But I feel like I can be completely honest with you. I'm not afraid of my feelings for you. How can I be when it feels as though they were born in me? This love has been sleeping waiting for you to awaken it and you have and now I am here for you. I am here for us and all that's ahead of us with an open mind and an open heart.

You, Cevyn, are the most amazing man I have ever met and if you'll have me...I feel I was born to tell you I love you and I want you to be my forever.

Hello baby!

It's 7:41 pm and I'm sitting here in what's becoming the dark...just finished watching another episode of one of my favorite shows...and my mind will not let go of you...of us. So many thoughts are going through my mind and all are making me feel warm and loving.

I'm thinking, of course, of this coming weekend when we'll be together again but more importantly I'm thinking of future things. As near a future as this June when we'll be sharing an entire week together and as far a future as when I move closer to you and an even farther future as many many years from now still so in love with each other and still experiencing new things together.

I'm thinking about this Friday and how wonderful it will feel to press my lips against yours again in a sweet welcoming kiss and what we'll be making for dinner together. I'm imagining watching Twilight and snuggling on the couch before a nice soak in the hot tub. I'm excited for June when we'll be doing nothing but loving each other and having fun all week. And then our trip to Hershey!! And then, I'm thinking of the little things too. Shopping with you, straightening the bed, listening to music and seeing the smile on your face when you look at me.

I keep playing little bits of our recent conversations over and over in my head that have given me secret thrills. To name a few....when we were driving home from Sam's two weekends ago and I was telling you about the places I was looking at for rent up there and you mentioned one day that we'd live together, when we were talking about your plans to put a bar in the dining room and when you said something about putting up a shower caddy for my things in the bathroom....lol I giggle only because of the giddy feeling I get and the happiness it brings me when you express to me that you have incorporated me into the simplest most innocent parts of your life.

Anyone can make big plans...it's exciting to do that but when you share your thoughts of me blending into your every day things...that says so much more about how you feel for me. I've never felt such a part of another person.

I love you, Cevyn.

Wow! My head and heart are full. Trust me, it's all good. It's just with your visit so quickly approaching my mind has been reeling. Forgive me if the thoughts I share seem disorganized...they're just coming in randomly and, at the same time, all at once.

I was sitting on the couch earlier looking into my kitchen and I said, "omg, next week Cevyn's gonna be in there." Brien responded by saying, "Yeah, and he'll be cooking with you!" You're gonna be here. I've thought about the first time you do all kinds of things here. Drive home with me, pull up out front, walk through my door, say hello to the boys (finally...lol). We will eat, sleep, laugh and love here.

You're going to touch a part of my life that, at this point in time, you haven't yet. The anticipation for all of this is so great and it feels fantastic. After you've left, I will be able to look at all the parts of my home and see you there. I will experience a new kind of 'missing you' when you're not here...similar to the way you feel when I'm gone from you I suppose. (You just texted me that you're thinking of me...what a coincidence...I'm sharing my thoughts with you here at the same time)

It meant so much to me that while I was working around the house today and making my shopping list for your visit that you were txting me the whole time. I felt so connected with you today. More than I usually do when we're apart. It made me feel good because, as you know, it's really difficult for me when we're away from each other.

I saw in one of your surveys that you were thinking of your future with me today. I was doing the same. I talked a lot with the boys about us moving next year. In just a matter of days, I can actually say that I will be moving up there in less than a year. I am so very ready for this and they are too. They are all for it and that speaks volumes considering all we've been through...all that they've seen me go through. It means that they see my genuine happiness and support me in this decision. That means so much to me. When you're here you'll know how powerful that is once you've met them.

Cevyn, I love you with such a passion and devotion. This is truly a one of a kind...once in a lifetime love.

Yours...always and forever,

Katie <3

xoxoxoxox

When I can't be with you...

All I need is the warm sun on my face to feel your tender kiss;
a gentle breeze to feel your hand in mine.

All I need is the roll of thunder to hear your beating heart,
a crack of lightning to know the power of your love
and a soft rain to taste your sweet tears.

All I need is the dark of night to see your eyes
and the shining stars for your smile.

Yet, all I need to have each of these at once is to simply hold you in my arms.

I love you, Cevyn.

I'm sitting here looking around my house and I see you everywhere. You have now managed to touch every part of my life that matters. I miss you so much. I love the feeling of sharing my 'every day' with you. It wasn't awkward or odd at all. It was as it should be...so very natural. I've thought already that I'm sure of us...of this love. I feel that even more so now, just as you said. I don't know that there was any one particular thing that brought me to this feeling but I do know it's real and true....just like you and I. xoxoxoxoxo

I love you so very much, Cevyn <3

Cevyn, my heart feels like it's going to beat right out of my chest. My breathing is heavy and I'm crying but nothing is wrong...not a thing. The cause of these things is my love for you. I feel a little silly that my body is reacting like this and even sillier for actually telling you about it but I need to let you know. It just grabs hold of me and won't let me go and I need to find some way to tell you what loving you does to me.

You see, sometimes I ask myself if you wonder just how much I love you. Do you wonder if I really mean it when I say 'forever' and if I even know what that means? I do really mean it and I do know what it means. It means that the longing is over and peace can begin in our hearts. It means that the one who understands is finally here. It means forever accepting, feeling, caring, listening, wanting and discovering is here. All the things that a heart yearns for is right in front of us within each other...for each other. That is what forever loving you is all about to me. If you have ever wondered what I thought about this love would this even be close to what you'd want me to feel?

There are times, more often than not, that I can't remember what my heart felt like before I gave it to you and I certainly can't imagine what it would be like without you now....because, in the most beautiful of ways, you are the one causing it to beat.

~ I love you, Cevyn, forever ~

Hello baby

This morning instead of a text I thought I'd send you a note (novel...lol). From my drive back from Hagerstown to even as recently as this morning I've had so much to share with you.

On my way down 70 yesterday, out of nowhere I had a rush of emotion that ran through me. I physically felt it creep from my stomach up into my chest, shoulders and then into my head. For just a sec I was dizzy and then tears just ran down my face. I wasn't 'crying' but tears poured. The thing was it wasn't sadness that I was feeling through all of that...it was love and peace and the only thing that was going through my mind was how in love with you I am. My breathing became really really deep and strong and then the tears stopped. The remainder of my drive was spent with a constant smile.

Just as you texted me that you had arrived at the party I was almost to my house and hoping that you were ok and would have a good time with your friends. The boys and I headed out to Ellicott City to the Korean market and were there for a little while. It was very cool. I didn't get any ideas for our stir fry because I had no idea, other than the things we already put in our stirfry, what anything was or how it might taste. Most of the things in there are labeled in Korean.. lol Brien ended up getting a table that he's been looking for for a few years so he was happy with that. I picked up some peaches and nectarines from the produce section and they're amazing.

After the market, we went to Historic Ellicott City. As I drove, I was wishing you were with us. Though, you know I love doing things with my boys, when I do them now I'm always wishing you were with us. The feeling of family is sinking in because you have joined them in my definition of family....Brien, Zach and Cevyn. We drove down Main street, turned up next to the B&O Railroad station to park and then walked to a place called the Phoenix to grab something to eat and afterward walked up and down Main. Most of the shops were closed because everything shuts down early in that town. We did find a shop to look through and were there for a while. Thoughts of you were with me throughout all of this...every second of it...I imagined the whole time what it would be like if you were there with me holding my hand seeing all that we were seeing. I took some pictures while I was there and would love for you to see them. I put them on my computer this morning.

It was getting close to 10 at this point and there was nothing more to do so we headed out of town and back to the beltway. Just before you sent me the message about making new friends I had put my cell to my mouth and whispered, "I'm thinking of you baby...hope you're having fun" Within minutes I received that text from you. It made me happy to know that you were ok and having a good time. I do wonder though about one of the texts that you sent. I didn't understand. You said that people were asking where I was even before you told them you had a gf? In that same text you mentioned that though you were having fun you still wished you were with me. I have to tell you I had the same feeling...ALL NIGHT!

So we got home and I was exhausted. I sat around with the boys and watched a couple episodes of "House" with them on the computer. We were joking around and laughing and then I couldn't take it anymore...I had to sleep. I put my cell in my hand...volume up and vibrate on...and curled up on the sofa. I told Brien if my phone went off and I didn't hear it, to wake me so I didn't miss your texts. At 2am...Brien woke me up and told me my phone didn't ring and that I should go up to bed. As I was walking up the steps headed for my room, I got your text telling me you were about to turn out the light and that you were thinking of me. We were doing the same thing at the same time. Yet another sign of our connection with each other.

This morning I woke up, looked around and was completely disoriented. I had no idea where I was. All I could think was where is Cevyn and where am I. It was scary. In my mind I was supposed to be in your bed next to you...not in my empty room. After I got myself in check and realized where I was, I laid back down and continued my thoughts of you and you, as always, gave me my first smile of the day. I was so excited to talk to you today and that's when I decided to send you this email.

I'm now sitting here in the dining room having a coffee and am about to get myself together to go to the laundry mat with Brien in a little while.

I miss you tremendously and want you to know that I love you and can't wait to hear from you. I also want you to know that even though we weren't physically in the same place yesterday, you were with me THE WHOLE TIME...in every thought and in every feeling <3

Yours always and forever,

Katie xoxoxoxoxoxo

...I am good with who I am as an individual. I have an amazing sense of independence...you know this. I'm, more often than not, ok with being by myself...on my own. But I have to tell you that it feels unnatural not being by your side.

I'm hoping that that's not too overwhelming a statement.. one that makes me seem dependent or needy because I'm neither of those things. It's simply how our bond and our love makes me feel. I truly miss you, Cevyn.


I love you always <3

I have to tell you that text held so much meaning for me. I can't even begin to explain how it makes me feel for you to have shared those thoughts with me.

More often than not, you...we...are on my mind. What we've shared, how we've grown (individually and together), and everything that lies ahead of us.

Loving you excites me. It makes me happy. My heart finally has a home and it is with you.

I love you....always.

Sorry to make such a big deal out of a piece of chicken but I amazed myself with this one. I infused smart balance oil with onion, adobo seasoning, sea salt and a bit of pepper. I painted that on the chicken breast with my new bbq brushes and threw it on the grill. OMG it was so full of delicious flavor and juiciness...wow!!! I wish I had made two. I had that with two ears of steamed corn on the cob and that was my dinner. It tasted soooo good it feels like it was bad for me...lol

With all of that goodness came a bit of sadness. I want to be with you. Cevyn, I miss you soooo bad. (crap here come the tears) I love you!!!!!!!!!!! I miss the way you smell...the way you mouth tastes when I kiss you...the way you feel in my arms...the sound of your voice....and especially the way it feels with your heart beating against mine. Friday cannot come fast enough for me.

Hello baby

Just wanted to write you a little note to say hi because it's been a while since I've done that. Also, I want to tell you I'm sorry for all the emotion this afternoon before I left. As we discussed earlier this week, it get's harder to say goodbye each time because our love keeps growing. When I was getting ready to turn onto Alt. 40 today, I started to cry again. It was as though I was leaving my heart at 18607 and, after all, how am I supposed to live without my heart.

It's true what I said today, that I feel like I'm trying to make the days disappear when I'm not with you. My heart's eagerness to be with you makes me wish it were possible. I realized, however, that I may sound as though I'm ungrateful for the other times in my life that I'm given. That's not the case. I'm thankful that I have all that I have and the select few people in my life that are special. It's just that now that you're such a huge part of my life...such a huge part of me, the things I experience without you aren't as special as they could be.

All my life I've waited for you, now you're here and I would love for you to be a part of everything that I do. It seems only natural. Yes, one day that will be the case...but... right now it's not. When I was getting ready to leave today I had to get back into 'no Cevyn mode' and it made me sad. I know that you understand what I'm saying. I know that you feel it too.

This weekend was incredible. We never cease to have new things to share with each other. The thought of a life of learning and discovery with you makes me happy beyond words. Shopping for our camping was so very cool and a lot of fun..heheee And, now we have a project to work on together, our models. I really like doing that with you.

I was also thinking about getting the whole photography thing going....photos of you, us and other things as well. I don't want to put it off anymore. I've been procrastinating and that's not good. First on my list is a proper photo of the two of us. Wouldn't it be cool to have pics of us in the yard, at the bridge on Garis Shop and even some on the tracks? I know it might be a pain in the butt to bring the tripod on our walks but as significant as those places are it would be worth it. They represent a lot of the growth in our relationship.

wow....I'm rambling and need to hush up...lol

I'll talk to you soon <3

Yours always and forever,

~ Caytee ~

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